I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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