Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
