: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
