I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
