3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
