I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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