Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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