I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
