someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
