We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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