Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
