peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
