you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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