I just gift wrapped bread.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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