I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
