you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
