I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
