First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
