I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
