someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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