My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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