where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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