I'm so fucking centered right now
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
