And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
