I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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