I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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