then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
