I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
