I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Someone came in the potted fern
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
