She went from zero to smokin in five shots
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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