My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
