Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
