i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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