Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
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