I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
