if i can run in heels then i can drive
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
