hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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