I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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