I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
