I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
