if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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