"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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