my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
