just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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