apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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