youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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