I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
