She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
