there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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