apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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