Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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