you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
