nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
