Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
