She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
