i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
