One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
