textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
