Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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