I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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