I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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